Full Circle Associates

Heath Row blogs in his Fast Company blog some suggestions from Ellyn Traub on difficult conversations. These are both common sense (if we pay attention to it) and a craft that improves with practice. I'm copying all of them because it seems the world needs to see these things in as many places as possible (blogs being a useful tool here!)

* The "What Happened?" conversation. There is usually disagreement about what happened or what should happen. Stop arguing about who's right: explore each other's stories and try to learn something new. Don't assume they meant it. Disentangle intent from impact. Abandon blaming anyone and think in terms of contributions to the problem.
* The "Feelings" conversation. Every difficult conversation also asks and answers questions about feelings. Are they valid? Appropriate? Should I admit them or deny them? What about the other person's feelings, will I hurt them? What if they get angry? Often feelings are not addressed directly and so they interfere with the conversation even more.
* The "Identity" conversation. This is where we examine what's at stake: what do I stand to lose or gain? Am I competent or incompetent? What impact might this have on my career,self-esteem, our relationship? These issues determine the degree to which we feel off-centered and anxious.

She also recommends several steps to take when engaged in difficult conversations:

* Decipher the underlying structure: what happened, what the feelings are, how identity is involved
* Interpret the significance of what is said and what is not
* Identify the erroneous but deeply ingrained assumptions that keep you stuck
* Manage strong emotions, yours (you can only control yourself) -- remember people are just giving you information- it is your choice as to what you do with it (ie get angry, stressed).
* Spot ways your self-image affects the conversation, and ways the conversation affects your self image
* Look at what you can change instead of what you can't
* Listen to understand (not listen to argue)
* Ask questions to clarify and to move the conversation forward

How does this translate online?
The methods themselves translate very well online if the participants in the conversation are willing to engage in what is usually a more drawn out interaction, particularly if asynchronous modes are used. The common wisdom is to pick up the phone or go F2F in conflict mode, but in many situations that is not possible, so developing the skills to slow down and get in to productive, difficult conversations is valuable. For some, the more thoughtful and relaxed response times of asynch are a plus...IF we approach it with that intention. Intention. Hm, there is something worth more contemplation.

The difficult parts are pretty well exposed in the second list above. We either have to have ESP to pick up the subtle layers of communication (F2F embodied in tone, body language, style) in writing, or we have to take the time to be more explicit in our communication. We have to pack feeling, acceptance or resistance to an idea, confusion -- all in to our text. We have to slow down and read more carefully, more generously. For many of us, rushing and impatient, this is the point of failure. Above all, we have to ask more questions! I am in TOTAL agreement with Ms. Traub on that.

More Resources on Challenging Online Situations
* Avoiding Conflict Online, White and Moussou
* Online Interaction: Social Argument compiled by M C Morgan, Dept. of English, Bemidji State University.
* Dispute Resolution And The Global Management Of Customers' Complaints: How Can ODR Techniques Be Responsive To Different Social And Cultural Environments?
* John Suler's great article The Online Disinhibition Effect
* Conflict in Cyberspace: How to Resolve Conflict Online, by Kali Munro, M.Ed., 2002
* A Netizen's Guide to Flame Warriors - Mike Reed - a little humor to help the situation.